In the beginning, I was lost when Hailey was with her father. I missed her from the second he picked her up until the second he brought her home. I would call several times, I could tell it was making her a little crazy, but I had never been without her and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I used to wander around the apartment, cleaning things that were clean, organizing things that didn’t need organizing, running to the store to buy Hailey a treat for when she got home. Even though my daughter wasn’t physically there, taking care of her still consumed my weekend.
After a while it got easier. I still missed her like crazy, but I started to look forward to that time alone. I realized that this was what I had looked forward to as a kid, the time when I was an adult and could do whatever I wanted. At first, I wasn’t sure what that was, I felt like I had to be productive and busy while Hailey was away. That too, passed.
One day I found myself eating ice cream for breakfast, just because I didn’t have to be a good dietary example. It started with little things but eventually my weekends became all about me. I found I could sleep as late as I wanted, or stay up as late as I wanted. I could watch things on television without worrying about what the plots were teaching my daughter. I could stay in my pajamas the entire weekend if I wanted.
Initially, I was a sloth. I stayed on the couch and ate junk food and read or watched television. Luckily, that got boring quickly. I walked through art museums that would have bored my daughter, window shopped for hours without someone whining for the latest toy, met friends for coffee without having to rush home. Basically, I was doing what I wanted to do for the first time in my adult life.
Don’t get me wrong, I was still overjoyed to see Hailey’s smiling face on Sunday. I couldn’t wait to hear all about her weekend, I’ve always loved the sound of her voice. I think those weekends made me a better Mom, more patient, more relaxed and maybe, even a little more fun.
